Does Porn or a Husband's Wandering Eyes Hurt a Marriage?
By: Stuart Vogelman, Pure Warrior Ministries
One of the first things porn, or any lust for that matter does when we engage in it, is disconnect us from our wives, or any true intimacy for that matter. This happens because of two little words called guilt and shame. The Bible says that to even look at another woman with lust is adultery (Matt. 5:28). I believe this is because the same chemical and psychological processes are at work when we lust as when we actually have sex. One inescapable result of engaging in porn and lust is that a wall is immediately built between our wives and us; whether we feel it, acknowledge it or not. When this type of cheating continues, we quickly replace “intimacy” with “intensity” as our definition of what makes “good sex.”
Since our wife’s primary language of intimacy is relational, and we are disconnected, we are not able to connect in this manner. Further, because our primary language of intimacy is sexual and we are now in a spiral toward more and more intense sexual pleasure through porn and lust, a vicious cycle begins. We seek more and more “intense” sexual experiences--for which the internet is a perfect delivery mechanism for awhile--which we cannot get from our wives because we are disconnected from them emotionally and spiritually. The vast majority of men are not even aware this has happened. Disconnected becomes normal.Congratulations… we are on our way toward sexual addiction.As men we must be focused on sexual purity, not allowing any of our sexual energy be wasted on anyone but our wives. After all, the Bible tells us that our sexuality is first of all God’s (Rom. 12:1), then our wife’s (1 Cor. 7:4) and lastly ours. And we must be focused on meeting her needs for intimacy which are relational. For this is God’s plan (Ecc. 9:9). As we do this, we will find that our sexual desire will redirect to our wives and grow significantly. It may take a month or two but it will happen. Try it. You may be surprised how well this works.For more information on sexual integrity for dads and other issues like this, go to www.purewarrior.org.
Protecting your kids from porn
By Stuart Vogelman, Pure Warrior Ministries
Below are seven easy steps you can take to protect your family from the devastating impact of porn. Remember that 70% of all porn ends up in the hands of a child (no matter how careful you are). Also, the average age of first exposure is dropped from 11 years old to 5 years old. For you dads of teen girls, if your teen girl is on the internet, she has a 100% chance of being sexually propositioned while in a chat room.
Place your family computer in a public place in the home where the screen is facing the open room. Internet access computers should NEVER be placed in a child or teen’s room.
Monitor what your kids and teens are watching on TV. Certain TV shows and commercials are integrating porn into their programming. And, porn stars are increasingly being used in commercials and some TV shows especially with cable and satellite.
Block adult channels from your TV if you have cable or satellite and change the password occasionally.
Put a filter on your computer. Install simple and free accountability program on your home computer(s) to monitor all internet activity and send you a report twice monthly. For more on how to do this visit www.purewarrior.org. (resources for parents section)
Know where they are hanging out. There is a more likely chance that your child or teen will find porn at a friend’s house than at your house. You can be diligent at home but if some friend of your child has a parent who isn’t, your child can get into serious trouble.
Talk to them. Pray with them. Keep the dialogue open about these issues. They may not admit it but they are yearning deeply for their dad to take the initiative and help them with these tough decisions.
Be an example to them. You will not have any credibility with them if you are looking at porn on the internet and watching sexually explicit or pornographic movies or TV shows.
Dr. James Dobson has stated that for some young boys, one exposure to porn is all it takes for them to recall many years later at a vulnerable moment where they start the downward spiral toward sexual addiction.
You are the dad. Ask God for help in protecting your family. Get after it.
For more information on sexual integrity for dads and for issues like this visit www.purewarrior.org.
Dads, Daughters and Dress Codes
By: Stuart Vogelman, Pure Warrior Ministries
In a recent article from New Man Magazine, the author discusses a scientific theory called the Gestalt Theory. This theory says that the human brain automatically tries to complete images that it sees through the eye. An example of this is if I were to draw a circle, what would you say is the completed picture? Not sure? If I added two dots in the upper middle inside of the circle equidistant from each side, what would you say the picture would be? Would you guess a smiley face? You would be right.
Take this issue and couple it with the clothing styles that our junior high and senior high girls are wearing these days—even in church. The young man’s, or any man’s eye for that matter, is designed to complete the picture when it sees for example, low cut jeans—sometimes below the underwear line on a teenage girl. I guarantee the man’s mind isn’t completing the picture of the young lady fully clothed. This dynamic creates a distorted reality. An example is the perception by the male that the girl must “want it” because she is showing “ it” off and a perception by the girl that a male is interested in her for any other reason than to use her body for his sexual pleasure.
As dads we must understand that men are primarily stimulated sexually through the eyes. When girls dress in ways the cause males to stumble, they are driving men directly away from the very thing they want—a man to appreciate them, understand them, love them and cherish them. Instead, they are driving a guy—with all the hormones raging through a teenage young man—to want to use the young lady’s body either mentally or physically for selfish sexual gratification. The girl just happens to be a useful piece of apparatus.
We need to open a dialogue with our daughters and teach them about their bodies and how to properly dress in order to protect themselves and the young men around them. (1Cor. 10:32) We need to teach them that in order for most young men to be able to appreciate them for their hearts they (the girls) must be discrete and appropriate about showing their bodies. I am not advocating any outlandish dress codes or behavior but rather an acknowledgement of the over sexualized society we live in and the sense to behave and dress in manner pleasing to HIM. The consequence if we don’t is that we invite all the “wrong” guys to befriend our daughters for all the “wrong” reasons and we reinforce our sons to chase the wrong girls for the wrong reasons.
For more information on sexual integrity for dads and issues like this one visit www.purewarrior.org.
Talk to your sons about sex
By Stuart Vogelman, Pure Warrior Ministries
I was listening to a presentation on sexual addiction recovery recently. The speaker Scott Oja from Pure Desire Ministries mentioned a survey of men from a recent men’s conference they had sponsored. At the conference, they asked the men how many of them had spent any focused time talking with their sons about sex. The response shocked them. Out of 600 men in attendance only five admitted to having a focused discussion with their sons on this issue.
If we, as fathers aren’t talking to our sons about sex; if they can’t come to us to get accurate information, where are they getting their information? Experts tell us they are getting it from their friends (who know as <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />little as they do or less) and from pornography. And the pornography is most likely being accessed through the internet. Should we be surprised that our sons are being sexualized at earlier and earlier ages? Most children and teens are accessing porn at home between 3pm and 6pm when their parents are still at work. Is your home, internet access protected? Do you have a password on your computer? Do you filter your internet access? Have you talked with your child or teen about this issue?
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6, to teach our children in “the way they should go.” This is especially true in a society that is constantly bombarding our young sons and daughters with sexually explicit messages through commercials, the internet, magazines, and video games.
So how do we get started talking to our kids and teens? Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson is an outstanding resource for fathers on raising boys. I also recommend the following books for use in talking about these issues with your boys. Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle is an excellent starting point. This book by Stephen Arterburn is an excellent book for Dad’s and son’s ages 11-15 years old to do together. For older boys and single men ages 16-21 years old, Every Young Man’s Battle is available by the same Author. There are books for young girls as well such as Every Young Women’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn.
Remember, one of the most powerful things you can do when talking to your son or daughter, is to share appropriate stories, fears, and experiences from your youth. This helps create a bond with your son or daughter and helps allay their fears. Go for it!!! You’ll both be blessed.
You can order these books and more at the Pure Warrior Ministries, Book Page or visit our website at www.purewarrior.org.